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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25747519">The Hitchhikers Guide to Your Ex-Boyfriend</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Disteal/pseuds/Disteal'>Disteal</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Homestuck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Art, Character Study, Earth C (Homestuck), Embedded Images, Homestuck 2: Beyond Canon, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Child Abuse, M/M, References to Mind Control, Religious Imagery &amp; Symbolism, The Homestuck Epilogues, but watch out, other characters appear in minor roles, referenced sexual abuse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:27:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,163</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25747519</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Disteal/pseuds/Disteal</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake English waking up sore and alone on a cold floor is not a strange occurrence for him as of late. The ethereal beam of light and sluggishly churning floor is new, but he's woken up in stranger places. </p><p>If circumstances were better he'd probably have something shocked and relevant to say about this strange landscape he's found himself in, but circumstances are in fact legendarily shit right now.</p><p>(A comic fic where Jake English gets rights)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jake English/Dirk Strider</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>86</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>366</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Casablanca</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>HUGE thanks to Opacifica and Agonist for helping me with formatting/beta-ing :))</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="line narrator">
  <p> </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p></p>
  <div class="line narrator">
    <p>Jake English waking up sore and alone on a cold floor is not a strange occurrence for him as of late. The ethereal beam of light and sluggishly churning floor is new, but he's woken up in stranger places. If circumstances were better he'd probably have something shocked and relevant to say about this strange landscape he's found himself in, but circumstances are in fact legendarily shit right now. His brain weighs approximately fifty kilos and the inside of his skull feels way too tight.</p>
  </div>
  <br/>
  <div class="line narrator">
    <p>The playful motes of light tickling him to wakefulness are mean bitch motherfuckers who can fuck right off and never come back. The motes are surely scandalized and embarrassed to be called out on their flaws so succinctly and without mercy.</p>
  </div>
  <br/>
  <div class="line narrator">
    <p>His headache is still there.</p>
  </div>
</div><p>
  <span class="jake">  </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Oh God</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="jake">  </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Great Gatsby, what happened?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Well man I don't wanna jinx it</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Seeing how this is a real thinking mans problem and all.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: But based on your fairly consistent downwards trajectory along the Y axis of self respect and dignity as of late.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: I'm going to hazard a guess that you got wasted and passed out.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Again. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Ah.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Hm.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: That would explain the headache I suppose?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Yeah no shit.</span>
</p><p>Movement in this space is strange and slow. Space stretches on infinitely into the distance, but something about it still feels cozy. The watery floor is warm where Jake sits, just high enough to sink in an inch deep, but when Jake shifts his hand he finds it isn't wet. He makes a daring glance at the light above him and winces reflexively despite it's dimness, however can't see any sort of ceiling above him. It is negative space, empty and safe and soothing, like a warm bath in a room with only a candle to keep light.</p><p>His headache is <em>still there</em>. </p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">Jake: So where are we then?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: It's your head dude, you tell me.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: It is?!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Golly, it's a bit empty, isn't it?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: I wasn't going to say anything-</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Hah!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: But yeah.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: I suppose we're here until I wake up then?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Just puttering about twiddling our thumbs.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: If I'd known I was going to have company,</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: I would have THOUGHT of something to do!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: ;)</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Fucking christ.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Booo.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Hahahahaha! Oh mate, you need to work on your sensitivity there. Your sense of humor has developed some rust around the edges.</span>
</p><p>Despite his shitty mood and throbbing brain, Jake feels himself relax a smidge.</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Soooo....</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: I suppose we're here for another half hour or so then.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Unless someone trips over your comatose ass in a hallway, I guess we are. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Do you want to do something?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: What?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Chew the fat, kick a ball around, catch up?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: We never spend time together anymore, it'd be nice.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Catch up on what bro? I don't get up to much in your sweeping cerebral vistas.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Gets boring as hell up here.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: A man starts to make his own fun.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Do some remodeling, cross some wires.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Fuck around with some auxillary skills.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Nothing important just knives and forks don't worry about it.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: What?!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: I'm kidding.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Oh, uh,</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Ha ha!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Well, then.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: I suppose this will just have to be a boring little slog for the both of us.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Unless one of us can think of something fun to do.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="caliborn">???: Well that certainly sounds like a cue if I've ever heard one!</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="caliborn">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">???: Hello, chums!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: :O</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Yo.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: W-who are you?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Oh come on.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: You watch movies, you have to know how this works.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: You basically bloody-mary'd him here.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: What?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: He's the ghost of dumbass past.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: Mr Strider is correct, if a bit crass! I'm something of a fun little chaperone you've concocted for your stay.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: Your very own swashbuckling guide to the 'Casa del English', a boyish sprite of youth to help you navigate the churning waters of ego, superego and perhaps even...</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: Id?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: :B</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: What the fuck.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: This is all getting a bit fucking hegelian for my taste.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Hegaily-who?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: I believe Mr. Strider was just referencing 18th Century German Philosopher Georg Hegel's master and slave dialect!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: A rather convoluted bit of philosophical theory regarding the instinctive struggle between human beings and the predisposition for dominance.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: I can see how he got it, but I'm happy to say nothing that grim is on the table for today.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Likely story.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: You've basically got 'bloodthirsty instinct to conquest the other' stitched into your ugly little cargos. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: You're projecting, asshole.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: And I do not.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: STOP!!!!!</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog"><span class="jake">Jake: Please I am literally begging the two of you.</span><br/><span class="jake">Jake: No more philosophy!</span><br/><span class="jake">Jake: Ever, never ever!</span><br/><span class="jake">Jake: It makes my poor head spin, and it's in a state as it is.</span><br/><span class="dirk">Dirk: Chicken.</span> </p><p class="pesterlog">
  
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: Apologies, good sir! You're too right, I was being a total cad!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: Forgive my momentary forgetting that philosophical theory is for nerds and navel-gazing wankers.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Oi</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Oh, well...</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: No harm done, then.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: Excellent!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: ...</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Soooo, you're... 13 year old me?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Jesus you're young.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: I believe so!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Why does your shirt look like that?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: Why does your face look like that?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Hehehehehe</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Definitely 13 year old me.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Though I am curious as to why? </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Is this all some roundabout tomfoolery to make me feel more at ease?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: The metaphorical sugar to help the allegorical medicine go down.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: The allegorical medicine being that I suck hard all the time and need to grow up?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: Heavens, no!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: Egads, man.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: It'll be a much nicer time than that.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Righto.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: No indeed, we're barring self-flagellation on this little growing voyage!</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  
</p><p class="pesterlog"><span class="none">???: However they may be just a *little* bit of philosophy<br/></span> <span class="jake">Jake: God damn it.</span></p><p class="pesterlog">
  
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">???: Chin up, pal! I promise by the end of our little soujourn you'll be absolutely tickled you endured through it!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: A thrilling voyage upon the high seas of potential!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: An opportunity to seize the great wheel and pull the ship to new waters!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: We're going to make a boat, Jake!!!!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: You love boats!!!!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Urhg.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: This is quite literally the worst thing I could be doing with a hangover.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: I'm interested.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: That's the spirit!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Of course you're interested.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: But!! You are a figment of my imagination! You don't actually get a bloody vote?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: C'mon man.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: This is new ground, I've never seen anything like this in your head before, at least since the game finished.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: I'm curious as to where Shortass!Jake is going with this.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Also cmon man it's not like a little self-actualization narrative featuring some weird figment of your imagination to teach you the true value of whatever the fuck would be bad for you. </span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: All aboard the English 2.0 Express.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Choo choo.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: I thought it was a boat.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: Yes I was specifically referring to a boat.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: You guys are the worst.</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="dirk">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">???: Well then! Bully for us, let's begin!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: An insightful plundering of the minds temple, what secrets shall we dredge up?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: This is all very exciting, what an adventure!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Wooo.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: Unfortunately something of this nature,</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: Sensitive as it is,</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: Is a little bit private!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: And I don't think it's suitable for prying ears!</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">???: Mr. Strider?</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">???: You'd best be off.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: Ta ta!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: What? No.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Off to where?</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  
  <br/>
  <span class="none">???: Out of my sight.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: What the fuck are you-</span>
</p><p>Little fingers snap and light explodes. Ropes of it spew from the boy and thread through the air like snakes. Brain Ghost Dirk has only a split second to react before the light hits him like a train, slamming into him and tearing him apart like tissue paper. Dirk's arms fling out to defend himself, but they begin to dematerialize before they can fully outstretch.</p><p>
  <span class="dirk">  </span>
</p><p>It's fast, but not instantaneous. His shades crack and float away like debris, beautiful light tears his fingers into ribbons. The process is horrible to watch, but Hope is a magnetic thing and Jake can't tear his eyes away for a single moment. For a second before it is all over, before the form has completely disintergrated, a throbbing heart appears above Dirk's chest and beats once, then twice. He disappears before the magic is finished, leaving behind a spray of pink shards that shimmer in the air before they too vanish. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Casablanca</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>Light twinkles for a few moments int the space Jake's ex-boyfriend once stood. Despite everything, Jake can't help but find the light at least a little bit beautiful. He feels nauseous. </p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Jesus H christ, man! What did you do?!</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: He'll be fine!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: You didnt answer my question!</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: He's lodged himself rather firmly into your noggin', my friend! It'll take more than a spitshine to kick his caboose to the curb.<br/>
???: And we don't exactly have time for that today.<br/>
???: Unfortunately.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I will say, you are being a bit of a dodgy fucker right now.</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: Hm?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I'd rather you didnt go kicking friends out of my upstairs abode, if it's alright by you.<br/>
Jake: That feels like something you shouldnt be doing without my say-so!</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: I suppose it was rude of me.<br/>
???: Apologies then, but it was really rather necessary!<br/>
???: Sometimes a man needs to experience self-growth in masculine solitude, with perhaps only the watchful spirit presence of his youthful self for company!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I hate this.</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: You don't have to!</span>
</p><p>Young Jake makes his way over to some foliage that was almost definitely not there before. Green permeates the warm grey space that had previously been immeasurably vast and unbroken.</p><p>
  <span class="caliborn">  </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="caliborn">???: I dare say we can salvage this with a change of scenery!</span>
</p><p>The two of them push through delicate plants that melt away obligingly from their fingers. Cords of yellow vines wrap around the teal trees that have formed around them and shoot up impossibly high into the sky. When Jake looks behind him he finds that they've been surrounded by the forest, and the melting grey floor is being swallowed by the friendliest looking underbrush he's ever seen. The whole landscape has an unnaturally soft, familiar atmosphere, like what someone who only looked at a painting might think a jungle is like. Jake runs his hand across the trunk of one slim tree, expecting it to feel like sponge. It's hard and unyielding like the real bark was back home. He thinks he would have preferred it wasn't.</p><p>Then, eventually, they reach the edge of the treeline. </p><p>
  <span class="caliborn">   </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="jake">Jake: Jumping juniper...</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: Welcome to the manifestation of your path to self-improvement.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Oh wow, look!<br/>
Jake: There's literally a path right there!</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: I know! Very handy mate, well done.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I didn't do anything?</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: Of course you did, it's your head old chap! In theory you made everything here!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: "in theory". </span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: In practice I was the one to make everything.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Aha.<br/>
Jake: So this is some sort of idiot-proof heroes journey?<br/>
Jake: The kitchen counters have rubber corners, hypothetically speaking?</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: Getting better doesn't always have to be a trial in misery, my friend. </span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Could have fooled me.</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: I'm sensing a bit of hostility here, Jake, and if I'm speaking truthfully I say it feels a bit undeserved.<br/>
???: I'm a little hurt.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Well it's just that this all feels a little bit silly if I'm being honest.<br/>
Jake: Im not sure you can just thrust a man down a journey of closely managed self-discovery. Especially me.<br/>
Jake: Cleverer folks have tried and failed.<br/>
Jake: I think I've hit my glass ceiling for character growth if you're asking for my opinion.</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: I'm not!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Oh.<br/>
Jake: Well maybe I just won't walk down the path, what then?</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: We've been walking down the path for several minutes.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Fuck.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: Jake, what we're doing here isn't gruelling excavations of your innermost desires, nor is it a patient waiting game for your maturity in old age to lead you down the desired path.<br/>
???: That's fucking boring! You're a Harley, an English! You're kinesthetic, you're fun, you're a child of the Earth!<br/>
???: We're going to buoy you to a new life and we're going to do it dancing!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: This plant doesnt belong here.</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: huh?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: This is supposed to be my island, right? Or something like it?<br/>
Jake: This weed is native to Africa. It shouldnt be here.</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: Jake?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Yeah?</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: Focus, please.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Oh! Sorry. Dont even know where that thought came from, heh.</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: I'm sure it's not important. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Well, now that we've been walking for a bit and i've had some time to mull it over, I thought I'd bring up some criticisms about... All this.</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: Feedback is absolutely critical! Go on, sport!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I really appreciate all the attention to detail and the encouragement and stuff.<br/>
Jake: But I think I'm still not sold on the premise of this whole thing.<br/>
Jake: If I'm being completely honest the whole character growth schtick feels so old hat at this point I'm not even sure I want to bother trying. You seem very nice and I'd be sorry to let you down.</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: Mmhm, mmhm.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: And... Well...<br/>
Jake: I have people in my life I trust to make important decisions! I dont see what the point of giving me the confidence to do that kind of thing would even prove!<br/>
Jake: So i guess what I'm saying is-</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: Oh wow! That's just depressing!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Sorry??</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: You'd reject this lovingly crafted voyage to actualization and put your fate into the hands of those tyrant friends of yours?!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Now wait just-</span><br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: Gosh, that's so bloody infuriating! Fuck those guys!</span>
</p><p>Enough is enough. </p><p>
  <br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Son, you're not listening to me.<br/>
Jake: Bring back my brain ghost Dirk and wake me the hell up.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
<span class="caliborn">???: GOD, you don't even KNOW, DO YOU?!<br/>
???: You have no IDEA WHAT HE DID! What he's DOING!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="caliborn"><br/>
???: THAT FILTHY CHEATING PARASITE AND HIS UNHOLY MISSION!<br/>
???: THAT BLIGHT UPON SPACE AND TIME! BLASPHEMER! CHEATER! CHEATER!<br/>
???: FIND HIM! WE HAVE TO FIND HIM AND KILL HIM AND STOP HIM AND-</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Folded steel cuts slides between two tiny ribs. The scene freezes for a second, maybe two, and then the child vanishes. It's lightning fast, his body is gone between blinks, and Jake's eyes slide down the blade towards its wielder. </p><p>
  <br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Fucking hell that guy sucks.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Brain Ghost Dirk?! </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Home Alone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="pesterlog">
  
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="dirk">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Sup.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Oh gracious me am I relieved to see you!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: That little fellow seems to have something of a mean streak.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Yeah I caught the end of that.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Always pleased to meet a hater.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Speaking of, I believe I may have jumped the gun assuming he was a figment of your psyche or whatever.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: I don't think he's a native.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: You think so?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: You don't?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Well, in Inception-</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Ok no stop.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: This isn't a movie, Hollywood logic isn't gonna cut it here.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: I need you to screw your head on, English.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Oh shut up! It's my head, you never know!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Maybe its exactly like Inception and you're completely out of your depth here.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk:...</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Actually, you may be on to something there.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: YESSSS!!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: A victory for Jake, at last.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Yeah, yeah, take your extremely shitty trophy, you've earned it.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: So, Mr. Movie Buff sir, how do we-</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Hgn.</span>
</p><p>The scuff of pink light on his chest thumps in a heartbeat staccato, and a waft of energy floats from the wound into the air like blood diffusing in water. Dirk cracks for just a second, a slight twist of his mouth and beading of sweat on his brow as he grunts under his breath. On most people it wouldn't be that much of a tell, but on Dirk it's as loud as a gunshot. </p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="dirk">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">Jake: Dirk?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Are you okay?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: I'm fine.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Oh lord, you're-</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: You're leaking!!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: It's fine. I'm fine.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Don't worry about it.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: He really did a number on you, huh?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Jake, this is something that can wait for later.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: If you want to help, you can work on trying to wake up.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Me?!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Yes, you.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: I'd love to take the reins and get us out of here myself, but this isn't my mind palace and I have to take my shoes off before I come inside.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I don't know what that means.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: It means I've tried to wake you up already and it didn't work.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Nothing works here, everything is super fucking weird and trippy.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: We're playing with idiot rules for jackasses.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: So it's on you, buddy.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: What happens in Inception.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Uh, right.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Um.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: There's mazes and stuff, and you have to know if you're in the dream.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: There's a spinning top.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Elliot Page is there.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: ...</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: ...</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: ...</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: ...</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: And?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: And it's been a really long time since I last saw Inception.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: God damn it.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I'm sorry, okay!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Surprising absolutely nobody, this is not something I am particularly good at wrapping my head around.</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog"><span class="dirk">Dirk: Dude, just.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Think of a fire escape or something.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Why a fire escape?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Metaphorical road to safety out of danger.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Work within your framing device, man.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I don't think I've ever actually seen a fire escape in real life.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Being on the island and all. And of course there was no such thing on LOMAX.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I don't even think we use them at Skaia Enterprises!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Jesus.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Think of a door, Jake.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Well, that I can do!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: ...</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: ...</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: ...</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Jake?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Working on it!<br/>
Jake: Sorry mate, my heads still a little bit sore from last nights whisky business! I'm not on my best game right now.<br/>
</span> <span class="dirk">Dirk: Jake, I lied, I'm leaking and it's not good.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Gosh!! Okay, sorry!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I get it, chop chop!</span></p><p>The door materializes just out of line of sight, catching their eyes with a pulse of blue neon.</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">Jake: Aaaaaaaaaand...</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Door.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Well I'll be damned.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Dirk: Good job.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Hehe thank you!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Though it is a little...</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Blue?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I would have said creepy, but it sure is blue as well.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Whatever, it's a way out.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Picket fence was a nice touch, but probably a little overboard.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Hahaha, yeah...</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Ok lets go.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Like,</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Inside?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Yes.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Is that a good idea?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Yes. It's a great idea.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Scoot.</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="dirk">  </span>
</p><p>When Jake crosses the threshold the cold air hits him like a wall. Compared to the gentle warmth of filtered forest sunlight, the room they've entered is freezing. It's dark, too, and smells sickeningly of sweet air freshener. </p><p class="pesterlog">
  
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">Jake: Oh god.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: It's sooooo much creepier in here!!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: We're in agreement about the ugly hallway.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: C'mon, stay close.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Hallways are transitional, so we're probably on the right track.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: How do you figure?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Places of limbo, functional only as a connecting method between two seperate areas. </span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: You don't do things in hallways, you walk through them from point A to point B.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: You might stop in a hallway, to rest or talk or unpack, but the hallway is never the goal. </span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: It is a nothing room.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: So ideally we're headed in the right direction, a non-space connecting us to a new stage that might give us a clue to where we are.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Righto. </span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Didn't really get that but I trust you know what you're talking about.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Sure.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: So what's the deal with all the paintings then?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Beats me dude.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Some weird ass American ideal shit, I wouldn't really know.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: I guess people hang pictures of their loved ones on the wall.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Incredible.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Thank you for the insight.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Alright Jung, lets hear your searing hot dreamlogic take.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: What do the pictures mean to you?</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="dirk">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">Jake: Um.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Family, I suppose?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: There sure are a lot of cakes though and if I'm being honest I don't really get how they factor in.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Your family has a weird cake thing.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Oh, that's the bad side of the family.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Our dark cousins.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Jade and I eat vegetables like normal people.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Yeah look I never really got the cake thing either.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: I don't know how they can put away that much sugar without being sick.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Mm.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: And I would know, I drank shitty soda every day for sixteen years.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: That shit sits on the back of your tongue like death after a while.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Golly!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Had to wash my mouth out with steel wool, I swear to god.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Okay the cake thing is starting to suck.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: I swear there were some family portraits back there, now there's just fucking cakes.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Oh and weird little heterosexuals.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Cute.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Not.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Right, right.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Jake?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: You're being kinda quiet back there. </span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Are you listening to me?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Um, yes, but...</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I just don't think we should be so loud?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Loud? I'm barely speaking over a whisper dude.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I don't know.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Are you okay?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Yes. I'm fine.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: You don't sound fine.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: You sound really quiet and scared.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: I don't get it, is it because the paintings are melting now?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: It's pretty fucking gross I'll give you that.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Yes. No. Ughhh.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Just.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Keep your voice down.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Why?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Dirk, please!</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">MOTHER: Boy? Is that you?</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="feferi">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Mmmpgh!!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Shhhhhhhh!!</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog"><br/>
<span class="feferi">MOTHER: Boy, what did I tell you about your indoor voice?</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="feferi">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog"><br/>
<span class="feferi">MOTHER: When you are indoors,</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="feferi">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog"><br/>
<span class="feferi">MOTHER: I don't want to hear your <em>fucking</em> voice.</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="feferi">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog"><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I-I'm sorry.</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">MOTHER: What the fuck? You brought a friend home?</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">MOTHER: Without asking?</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">MOTHER: And- Oh gross, he's leaking everywhere!</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">MOTHER: Get him off the carpet!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Yes, right away.</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">MOTHER: God you're such an unbelievable dunce, I just don't know how to deal with you!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I'm sorry.</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">MOTHER: Cut it out, stop simpering like a little rat.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I'm sorry.</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="feferi">MOTHER: I can't believe you're supposed to be the man of the house. Utterly shameful.</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">MOTHER: Why do I have to teach you the same lessons over and over again?</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">MOTHER: Well?!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I'm sorry.</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">MOTHER: Ugh.</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">MOTHER: Alright, get over here.</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">MOTHER: Time to get schooled, kid.</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">MOTHER: Again.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">Jane: Mother!</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jane">Jane: Mother I made a mess in the kitchen again.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">Jane: I'm sorry.</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">MOTHER: Oh, for-</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">MOTHER: Jane, if you've spilt anything on my nice new hardwood floors you won't leave this house for A HUNDRED YEARS.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">Jane: Yes, mother.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">Jane: I'm sorry.</span><br/>
<span class="feferi">MOTHER: *sigh*</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="feferi">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="feferi">MOTHER: The two of you are lucky I love you so much.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Thank you.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">Jane: Thank you, Mother.</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jane">  </span>
</p><p>When she leaves, baby Jane sneaks a quick shy smile to the two of them. She's tiny, and her little head is hunched forward on her shoulders like a whipped dog, but there's always been something uncrackable in Jane and this version is no different. She gives Jake a cheeky wink and scurries off to help the matron.</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jane">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: ...</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: ...</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Okay, she's gone.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Thank fuck Jane is a quick thinker in just about every incarnation. </span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Also,</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: What the HELL, Jake?!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Oh god, oh frig, I don't know!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I'm so scared right now, I think I'm still shaking!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: This is the pits, we should have stayed in the jungle.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Yeah I rescind my lukewarm review of hallways.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: This place can fuck right off.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Let's get out of here. Now.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: But...</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: What about little Jane?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: What about her?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: We're just going to... go? Leave her behind?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: She's not real.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: You're real.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: My realness is a heavily debated topic, the venn diagram between your hope bullshit and my heart bullshit equates me a small measure of legitimacy.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: That Jane was fake as shit. </span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I'm not sure how much I believe that.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Unless we're supposed to bring her along?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Huh?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Like on this little narrative.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: We're clearly playing out some sort of fucked up slice of life RP.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Are we supposed to rescue the princess from the tower?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Does Fake Jane find family in this AU?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I-</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I think... I think I'm supposed to leave her here.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Alone.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Problem solved then, lets go.</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="dirk">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">Jake: I don't know, Dirk, something about leaving her here just-</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Oh hell no.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Found you, finally!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: I'm so sick of this-</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: What the fuck are you wearing?</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comphet hallway is not real and cant hurt you THANK YOU TO OPACIFICA FOR BETAING &lt;3 &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Sleeping Beauty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TW for this fic: blood, animal bodies and guns</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="pesterlog"> </p><p class="pesterlog">
  
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">???: Hello Chums!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Oh good, he’s fine.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Hello again.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Bit of a bloody misstep back there, wandering off without me!</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: There’s all sorts of nasties you can run into when you’re thinking without a guide!</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Restless pondering has never done anyone any good.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Okay that’s patently untrue. </span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: *Sigh*.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Quiet contemplation is the breeding ground for new ideas, nobody ever came up with anything groundbreaking in a food court.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Goodness me, give a man a 4x4 plot in a fella’s head and he thinks he knows all there is to know about the mental landscape.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Jackass, I’m a Heart player. We’re built and bred to coast these liminal highways like we’re cruising down the 66 at midnight.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Oh, my aspect made me do it! What a classic. Did your aspect make you a huge assface as well?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Well, actually there’s-</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Lads, I’m too dehydrated to experience this. </span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Where to next.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Jakey-boy I love your attitude, I have just the place in mind!</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">???: Ta-da!!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Oh what the fresh fucking hell is this supposed to be.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Uhhh…</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: It’s a movie-theatre!</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Like an old-timey one.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: …</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Oh!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: …</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: See, because I’m wearing the-</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Yeah no we get it.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: What’s wrong with it?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Um! Well I haven’t indulged in the ol’ movie habit in theatres perse! </span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Seeing as I have a very nice theatre at home and well…</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I’m very recognisable and all.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Looks like shit.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: BRAIN GHOST DIRK!!</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: What?! No it doesn’t!!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirks: Looks like a great heaping pile of shit brother.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Brain Ghost Dirk stop, you’re being very rude.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: It’s not that bad looking.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: ...What?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Dude this is a half assed cinema right here. Where did you even get this carpet texture?</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: It’s authentic to the period I was going for!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Yeah, the shitty period.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: ENOUGH!! You can either go confront whatever weird problem Jake has with women that the pink tentacle mother monster represents, or you can get in my shitty cinema and watch a movie.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: You ungrateful little bastards.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: What?! I don’t have a problem with women!!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: That’s not what the…</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Well, I don’t know what she ‘represents’, but it’s a bit callous of you to insinuate that!</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Right, I’m sure everyone’s inner demons look like burlesque tradwives.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: I hate this conversation, this sucks.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Yes, holy shit.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Let’s watch a movie I guess.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Yay!!</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">???: And while we’re at it, let’s get into something a bit more cozy!</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: There we are, a little pyjama party, just the three of us!</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: (You’ll notice, Mr. Strider that I’m making every effort to include you despite your frankly appalling behaviour)</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Brain Demon Jake, if I ever figure out how to give your metaphorical little ass a swirly, it’s over for you.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Don’t call me that, I’m not a demon.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: What do I call you then?</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Nice try.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Narrative reveals happen at the end of the story, dumbass!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Fuck.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Oh! I recognise these, they’re the little pyjamas you got when you slept on the moon house castle thing.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I don’t remember them being quite this… comfortable?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Nice stomach.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Thanks.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Goodness it’s cold out here though, and not just on my legs…</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Oh no…</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">Jake: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: It was ugly!!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: NOOOOO!!!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Dude it’s just a dream, it’ll be there when you wake up.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: That’s rather besides the point!!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: My beautiful stache… so underappreciated… so cultured…</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: It was very ugly Jake. I didn’t like it.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Fuck you!!! </span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Ugh just,</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Let's watch the movie.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I’m ready to get out of here.</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: So…</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: What are we watching?</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Well I won’t spoil too much, but it’s a dramatic retelling of real-life events!!</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">???: There will be tears, and romance, and action, but most importantly we will all learn something about ourselves.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Which is, in my opinion, one of the truly magnificent things about the medium of cinema.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: It makes sense that you would be attracted to it Jake, the great and varied school of film studies.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: It does?</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Yes! </span><br/>
<span class="none">???: You know, I take you for a bit of an atypical learner, a real emotional type.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: You’re attracted to lessons in a narrative format because it helps you contextualise the world from an outsider's perspective. </span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Which, for someone who didn’t spend any time learning the nuts and bolts of socialisation growing up, would be a godsend!</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: I bet there’s some real interesting observations about the world you’ve put together watching movies.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: You know one time I watched the Transformers movies with him, and he turned to me after and said;</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: So were they cars turned into robots or robots turned into cars?</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Shut up.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Stop kissing his ass with character development you’ve pulled out of nowhere.</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="dirk">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">???: Well, now that Mr. Strider has diligently left us with another of his excellent and necessary opinions, of which he seems to have an absolute fuckton, let me deliver a foreword.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: I worked really hard on this movie Jake, I’d love it if you watched it all the way through.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Really think about the themes, the narrative, what it means to you!</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Can you promise me?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Uh…</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Sure, pal.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Wonderful, then let us begin!!</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">  </span>
</p><p>The curtains open, the scene is set. A magnificently shitty looking landscape bleeds into focus. Squinting past the deep fried artifacts and oversaturated buildings, Jake realises it’s a familiar sight. It’s the Human Kingdom, in Earth C.</p><p>
  
</p><p>The camera zooms in on the glare of the belltower and a distressing sight pops into focus. Dirk, as familiar as he was the last time Jake saw him with an especially crispy looking jpeg rifle. He seems preoccupied, waiting for some kind of signal-</p><p>
  
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="dirk">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog"><span class="dirk">Dirk: Yeah, enough of that.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Dirk?</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: What?! What did you-</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: IS THAT A REMOTE CONTROL?!</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: This is a cinema, you can’t do that!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Sorry, wasn’t enjoying your manipulative little soiree into stupid plot shit. We don’t need to see that.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Oh god look at it, ewwww! It’s got like, 30 pixels.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Where did you get that thing?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: You think you’re the only one who can do the jpeg compression shuffle?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Bitch, I learned from the master.<br/>
</span> <span class="none">???: You’re going to ruin the pacing, I can’t believe this!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I’m utterly lost.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: What are you fighting about?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Nothing, let’s fast forward.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: NOOOOOOOO!!!!</span></p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">  </span>
</p><p>The scene skips ahead at a breakneck speed, until it stops on a shot as mind-bendingly weird as it is creepingly familiar. Dirk has muted the audio, but Jake knows this particular conversation very well. On the floor, Movie!Jake is losing his absolute shit, shuffling and sobbing like a child. Above him, Movie!Dirk stands impassive. As unaffected as he is by every minor inconvenience that has ever happened to him. Jake feels something ugly stir in his belly at the sight.</p><p>
  
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">???: You know I went to all this trouble to include you, despite everything in my better judgement telling me otherwise,</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: And this is how you behave?!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Yeah, likely story. </span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: I wasn’t born yesterday bro, your weird little mind games to turn him against me are fucking laughably bad.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Well, maybe so! But maybe you deserve it!</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: You’re such a bad influence on him, you’re going to lead him astray if you haven’t irreversibly done so already!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: I know you are but what am I.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: RAAAAAAGH!!!!</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">???: I have HAD it!!</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: You need to get OUT!!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Woah, bro, don’t lunge at me.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: What are you, gay?</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: God you’re so problematic! You think it’s cute, to insinuate that my violence towards you is homosexuality? You think that's a fun stereotype to perpetuate? Also??? I’m currently projecting myself as a thirteen year old???? Gross, much???</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: You don’t get a free pass to promote a toxic environment just because you’re gay.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Why are you so obsessed with me.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Get over here, I’m going to kill you dead.</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Nah.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Oh what the-</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: What’s going on?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Yeah I’m not some run of the mill brain cockroach you can just Thanos snop twice bro.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: I learn fast.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: GRRRRR! Get out!!! </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="none">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Make me.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Oh wait.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: How do you have friends? How do people love you? You’re such a-</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: A…</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: sniff</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Dude are you crying?</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: No!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Are you crying like a little baby?</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: NO! Fuck you!!!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Little baby demon Jake McCry pants?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Brain Ghost Dirk.</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="dirk">Dirk: Huh?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Did it really look like this?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: That day before Real Dirk left.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Did I look like that to you?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Technically I wasn’t there bro.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Well, see, I’m not sure how much I believe that if I’m being honest!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: The whole, ‘you and he are not the same’ song and dance.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: A song and dance that seems to change depending on whatever the fuck suits you</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: ...</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: ....</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: You’re doing a lot of damage control for a man you apparently have little to do with.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: So what am I missing here?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Dude, </span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Trust me, this is a bad idea.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Right,</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Let’s have a look then.</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">  </span>
</p><p>Jake presses the shitty rewind button on the shitty remote.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">Jake: Oh God!!!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Fuck, here we go.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: You shot her? You shot Jade?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: YOU SHOT MY GRANDDAUGHTER?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: She’s fine, it was a sleeping dart.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: What on Earth?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: You shot her with one of those things?! </span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Dirk those are for horses, you could really scramble her noggin! </span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Dude, look, it’s complicated.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: The Dirk in your timeline is-</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Complicated?! She’s the sweetest creature walking the planet!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: YOU PUT HER TO SLEEP LIKE A MUTT!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THIS?!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Jake, there’s a lot going on here.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: There’s balls in the air, plans in motion. You’re only seeing half the-</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Half the picture, yes, yes I’ve heard this one before.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: (omg)</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Poor silly Jake, too stupid to understand The Great Schemes of Dirk Strider.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: You always do this, but you’ve taken it too far!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Jade has hurt absolutely nobody!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Actually, she was being possessed by- </span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Golly, ENOUGH!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Weird Baby Me, can we help her?</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: Who, Jade?</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: It’s just a movie.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: And while I’m glad you’re coming round to my perspective on One Dick Strider, he is technically correct.</span><br/>
<span class="none">???: She’s doing okay! Jade didn’t die.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: So what, you show me this and expect me to do nothing.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: NO SIR! </span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I’m done with inaction, I’m done being second man!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I won’t sit by the sidelines for this one, not for Jade!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: This is my brain, I can change the rules!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Oh for fucks sake.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: I’M COMING JADE!</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">
    
  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="">???: Jake what are you doing?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">Dirk: Bro come back you look like an idiot.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Hup!</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog"> </p><p>Jake charges with total confidence into the static on the screen. He may be a man of self-doubt, plagued by insecurity, but when the time comes, no one could truly accuse him of standing by and doing nothing. He has his limits, any of them sufficient to galvanize him into heroic action, and this just happens to be one of them. He hits the screen, and with a fizzle like soda pop on his tongue, he passes through.</p><p>He realises he fucked this up completely about 3 seconds afterwards. There’s no window, no sleeping relative to rescue, only freefall in an unending sky.</p><p>
  
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">Jake: Oh no.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Jade?!</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">Jake: I gotcha!! </span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Jade, are you okay?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Haha, wow you’re very small. </span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: And you look… different.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: And on fire.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: …</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: Grandma?</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">Jake: Blimey, Jade.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: What the everloving fuck is going on.</span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">  </span>
</p><p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="rose">Rose: That is a concerning thing to hear from the man holding the child corpse of my best friend.</span><br/>
<span class="rose">Rose: Though I suppose it’s not the only concerning thing around here.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">Jake: … Rose?</span><br/>
<span class="rose">Rose: Hello Mr. English. </span><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Huge thanks to 0pacifica and Agonist for the beta!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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